My journey to recover from burnout as a stay at home dad of two and solopreneur. Here’s how to tell if you’re burned out and my solution to overcome it.

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I remember when the burnout became too difficult and too intense that I had to finally address it.

For so long (too long) I ignored the signs and just tried to power through, because that was all I knew.

I was addicted to that idea of “grinding” with the “blinders on.” Laser-focused on the destination.

Wrap up one project, and then it was on to the next.

It’s the only way I knew how to be successful throughout my entire life.

From an early age, it was a chase to get good grades so I could go to a good college.

College was about busting my butt and laying the foundation for a career.

That career would lead to countless promotions which would catapult my life into unthinkable horizons of wealth.

And then, finally, would I be able to sit back, relax and chill.

You can see where this is going because my story is not unique.

Many of us in our 40s are reaching a midlife crisis style breaking point

We’re burned out.

Tired of doing everything we were told to do in order to be successful, but not getting back what we were promised.

Spending endless hours working to line someone else’s pockets.

Knowing that there’s something better. But too tired, too busy, too zoned out to even think about trying to actualize that purpose we dreamed about back in our youth.

We were promised a simpler life in our 50s, 60s and beyond if we just worked hard in our 20s, 30s, and 40s.

Instead, we’ve been led into a purgatory of hustle and nonstop work. And now we’re realizing that this breakneck pace we’re on is unsustainable.

My elementary text books often had “American Dream” in bold to signify it was an important vocabulary word to remember for the next quiz.

“A big house, 2.5 kids and a puppy, two cars, plentiful savings for retirement, the means to take vacations and travel with our time off a couple of times per year.”

Instead, the rug was pulled out from under as we hit our hit-earning adult ages.

Our dream faded.

It was replaced by constant pings and notifications from middle managers, gatekeeping their positions by forcing more unnecessary work and stress on us to feel better about their own insecurities.

We sacrificed time, energy, money, life, happiness, fulfillment, family time. And for what? To be forced to answer emails at the dinner table?

I reject this narrative.

And it’s time to take back control.

Control of your time.

Control of your energy.

Control of your life.

A year ago, I made a commitment to recover from burnout, to start working smarter. I slowed down, listened to my body, and began prioritizing my own needs for health and fulfillment.

I stopped following all of the productivity advice about structured morning routines and getting shit done. Instead, I adopted a slower and simpler approach to my work, my health and my life.

My goal is to design a life in my 40s and beyond that fulfills and enriches me, not one that drains me.

Here’s what I did to finally recover from burnout so I could start building a more meaningful life for myself and unlock the time, energy and focus to actually enjoy it, too.

Let’s get into it.

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Are you burned out? Let’s break it down.

To recover from burnout, we’re first going to have to get real clear on where you are on the burnout ladder.

Know your enemy so we can attack it and win.

If you’ve got kids and you’re in your 40s with a full-time job (or you stay at home with your kids full-time), then you’ve probably got some degree of burnout.

The American Psychological Association defines burnout as follows:

“Burnout is a prolonged response to chronic emotional and interpersonal stressors on the job. It is defined by the three dimensions of exhaustion, cynicism, and professional inefficacy.”

And it’s usually accompanied by the following symptoms:

• Difficulty maintaining relationships and being present with loved ones
• Unexplained muscle tension, pain, fatigue and insomnia
• Frustration and irritability with co-workers
• Forgetfulness and difficulty concentrating
• Diminished pride in your own work
• Losing sight of your goals

Sound like you? Yes?

Then, my friend … welcome to the burnout club.

It’s not so lonely over here since 75-percent of workers have experienced some form of burnout.

The degree of your burnout can vary, though. There are five stages; and you probably fall within one of these five buckets:

Honeymoon
This is where you’re excited to begin that new thing (job, business, endeavor) and you jump in with a fresh sense of inspiration. Productivity is high because you’re feeling the motivation.

Onset of stress
This is where the cracks start to form and you realize that this is taking up a bit more of your time and energy than you planned.

Chronic stress
Now the intensity is building, along with your frustration that things are not working out. And it’s taking a toll on you. There’s a sense of powerlessness to change which can lead to resentment, even cynicism and apathy.

Burnout
You’ve reached burnout. Now the cynicism is high and the exhaustion feels crippling. Productivity, creativity, focus all take a beating here and your quality of work and life is drained and plummeting.

Habitual burnout
This is when you’ve reached critical mass. It’s now a chronic situation that was left untreated. Mental and even physical fatigue set in and you might even be well on the road to depression. This is the final stage.

Whew. That was a lot. Let’s do a palette cleanser. Here’s a Reddit thread of cute puppies.

Okay … back to work.

My burnout phase

For me, it was struggling to be a stay at home dad with my two kids while trying to balance out my online fitness coaching business, making sure my students were getting the results they paid for.

I had to create content all day, every day. Because that’s how I generated new business leads and kept the coaching program running.

I was terminally online. Which would lead to doom scrolling in between filming and recording sessions.

This led to the comparison game. I’d constantly envy the coaches with larger and more robust followings who had the time in their day to really focus on creating and growing their business.

On top of all that, I had to practice what I preached about being in shape by looking the part, too.

Oh yeah, there were still two tiny little humans that needed nonstop attention. I couldn’t just spend most of my day playing on the Internet.

My zero dark thirty morning hours were packed with writing. It was the only time of the day where I’d be guaranteed silence so I could focus.

But I was on the clock all day. Every day. Even weekends.

Checking in on my fitness/nutrition students.

Creating new and engaging content.

Writing newsletters.

Spending time checking in on social media by engaging with other pieces of content (engagement is a major part of encouraging growth on every social platform).

It was unsustainable.

But I kept going. All the while, knowing that at some point, I’d burnout.

If you’re a hard-charging over-achieving person like me, then you’ve likely been in a similar situation.

Knowing that the process was not healthy, but powering through anyway because at some point, somewhere in the future, you’ll eventually find time to rest and recover. Once I made it, I’d have the time to slow down.

Whatever “made it” actually meant.

But today would not be that day. So I’d carry on.

Until my body and mind said, enough.

I hated it at the time. It was scary as hell. But, hitting that wall allowed me to learn the importance of slowing down so I could finally recover from burnout.

I’m a better person for it.

Life shouldn’t be a constant grind

You should wake up every single day with at least a little bit of excitement to go conquer the world.

If this is not the case, there’s something missing.

Because when you wake up with intention and meaning, you see things differently.

It doesn’t feel so damn overwhelming just to get through the morning rush with kids, the drop-off routine, and the commute to the office.

The longer hours in that cubicle (or whatever your work station looks like) are finally bearable because you have something to look forward to after work.

The weekends are not the only thing that you live for anymore.

You can actually enjoy Monday through Thursday (sometimes, at least … okay, maybe not Monday … but you get the point).

You’ll start to feel excited to take on new and interesting things that inspire you and entertain you.

This is when you can actually start living again.

It’s when you finally Level Up into the person that you dreamed of becoming in your teens and 20s, but lost sight of in your 30s as the grind took over.

Here’s how you’re going to recover from burnout and start living life

You’re going to have to care a bit less about some things.

This doesn’t mean sacrificing quality at work.

Nor does it mean distancing yourself from loved ones.

I’m talking about caring less about being perfect with the beautiful little crafted schedule and all of the extra activities you’ve committed to over the years.

Maybe it’s time to be okay with your current position at work instead of pushing for a bigger title (and more responsibilities).

Ask yourself this:
Would you maybe be better off not seeking more, and instead slowing down and appreciating what you have now?

Of course, if you need the money and that promotion will secure it, you’ve got to do what you’ve gotta do. Trust me, I grew up on food stamps, so I get it.

But I’m talking about the extra stuff.

Do you really need to charge ahead to three different committees and boards on top of shuttling your kids to the four different extracurricular activities while making sure the weekend social engagement is all set?

Will that late-night email be okay if you don’t address it until office hours tomorrow morning?

Can your workout be shortened from 60 to 20 minutes? Yes it can, here’s how train minimally and still get into great shape. And when you do make that workout shorter, can you resist the urge to fill that extra time with more tasks and just … relax for a few minutes?

The one thing I’ve learned about being a stay at home dad, while running my own business is that I actually do have the time. I just need to get really creative. Even pockets of rest will go a long way towards overcoming burnout.

If you don’t prioritize your time and energy, someone (or even something) else will.

Get as many things off of your plate as you can

Part of this burnout stems from having way too many things. It’s overwhelming. Unending.

Even if you remove some things that you care a bit less about, you’ll still have an overload of all the things that you need to do and really want to do.

Your job is to list out the many things that you can simplify with systems.

Delegate, eliminate, automate as many tasks as possible (here’s some inspiration to get you started on that).

Take back control at all costs

Build more structure into your day so you can manage the things that are under your control.

Block out focused time to work on your priority projects (both professional and personal, do not sacrifice either and make time for both).

I like having a shutdown ritual that is the daily practice of closing down my work for the day and activating dad mode.

If you’re incapable of putting work away for the evening and have some fires to put out, I totally get that. I’ve been there. But do your best to focus on one thing at a time. When you are with your family, be with your family.

As one of my former mentors used to preach about work-life balance:

“When you are working, you are dialed in and working. But when you are chilling, you are fucking chilling. No push and pull to check in on work when you’re present with family.”

I’d rather spend one hour of deeply present time with my kids then spend four hours of half-assed distracted time while trying to juggle emails and notifications.

Multitasking is for losers that can’t concentrate.

This won’t be easy, so practice more self-compassion

I’m a perfectionist. And I can get really hard on myself when I fail to meet ridiculous expectations.

You must start appreciating yourself (and this journey that you’re on) if you want to recover and that means having some damn grace for yourself.

Whip out your journal and use this prompt:
“What advice would you give to a friend in the exact same situation?”

HINT: you’d probably tell that friend everything that you’re reading in this article, but you’re too wrapped up in your head about it that you’d never see this clearly enough for yourself.

Slow down. Start thinking more.

Set better boundaries

It’s time to start prioritizing yourself.

For four decades or more, you’ve put the most important person aside to concentrate on everything else from career to family.

Starting today, I want you to be okay with saying “No” more often while simultaneously saying “Yes” to yourself.

Be comfortable declining offers, extra projects and unimportant tasks for a while.

Maybe you don’t need to shuttle your kids to 14 different extracurriculars every single week.

Perhaps for the next quarter you can have the kids prioritize one thing. I promise, they’ll be okay if they’re not constantly stimulated. Let them be bored more often.

There’s a reason why flight attendants tell you to “put your mask on first before assisting others.” It’s because in order to perform at a high level in stressful situations, you must first be running at peak capacity. Can’t do that if you’re not even breathing right.

If you’re stretching yourself too thin by giving into the people-pleasing tendency to say “yes” to every single thing and everyone, you’ll never be able to perform at your best.

Only you can determine what that looks like. Start taking this seriously.

Find more time to rest

I love a good afternoon nap. I know there’s a cliche dad thing going on there, complete with the lounge chair and Sunday football or golf or something. I don’t care. I’m still gonna enjoy a solid 20 minute nap whenever the opportunity presents itself.

Rest is more than just sleep, though. There are seven types of rest that you can and should incorporate into your day in order to get the full benefit. Here’s my newsletter about that.

Take care of you

Make sure you’re taking care of the big rocks of living a healthy and balanced, meaningful life. I’ve talked plenty of times about the big 4 pillars, here’s the refresher course:

At minimum, you should be focusing a little time each day towards:

Body — taking care of your physical and mental health with exercise, nutrition and mindfulness.

Mind — encouraging the learning of new skills (personal and/or professional) to keep the mind active and engaged.

Relationships — setting aside time every day for at least one meaningful conversation with a loved one, colleague or acquaintance.

Play (and/or relaxation) — reduce stress and anxiety, encourage better creativity and problem-solving, get into a flow state and just have some damn fun because that’s what life is all about and we tend to really lose sight of that, especially when we’ve been burned out.

Talk to a therapist

I’m not going to act like I have all of the answers and that this newsletter will be the prescription you need to magically defeat your anxiety and perhaps depression.

I’ve been in therapy for years and it’s been an integral part of my ability to find clarity.

You might need to do the same and there’s no damn shame in admitting that.

The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) HelpLine is a free resource that provides resources, referrals, information and support to anyone in need of help.

You can recover from burnout, but you must take action

Unfortunately, this will never be resolved by just sticking it out, pushing through it and hoping that one day, it will magically get better. It won’t.

Inaction is slow death.

And the mounting stress, anxiety and eventual depression will eventually lead to massive sickness.

Simply put: if you do not recognize that you need to slow down and then actually do it, your body and mind will force you to slow down. You don’t want that.

Instead, the solution to actually recover from burnout … is to take action.

The action might be as simple as finding more time to rest. Or if it could be far more complex and you might need to slowly conduct a little lifestyle overhaul.

Only you can determine the next best steps.

But, you must do this.

It also won’t happen overnight. Depending on how long you’ve been dealing with burnout, it could take months before things start to improve. I’m a full year into this journey and I’m finally starting to feel better.

Trust me, I’ve been there. I know this sucks and it feels hopeless. But, there is a way out. You just have to start looking for the right path.

Then you have to trust yourself to get started.

I hope you enjoyed this newsletter. As always, if you have any questions, please feel free to reach out.

I answer all of my emails at pete [at] petecataldo [.] com … Hit me up with the subject line “recover from burnout” and I’ll answer any questions you have to make this work for you.

Until next time,
Pete